Utter Egoism
by Hohoe
Summary: "Sumeragi Subaru, I will ask you one last time." she says. "If you choose the present, you will continue your life with your daughter and your wife; but if you choose the past, I'll bring you back your Kamui from the dead." Very solemnly, she asks "What is your answer?" [First story of my (future) series and sequel to Salvation (by Sei-chan-1999)]


Disclaimer: CLAMP owns X-1999; Sei-chan-1999 owns Salvation; I own the rest.

Beta-Reader: Sakura414 (Thank you so much for checking out this horrible thing for me)  
>Pairing(s): Subaru x Kamui<br>Warnings: Yaoi (MxM; don't like/don't read) and incest (SubKam)

A/N: This story is a sequel to Salvation, written by Sei-chan-1999 who gave me the courage to write, even though I think it wasn't on purpose. Thank you, Sei-chan!  
>This is the first time I've written a fanfiction. There may be out-of-character-ness, and I am sorry about that.<p>

There's an OC in this story, but I swear on my life this isn't a self-insert...  
>This is the first story of my future series of X-1999, but chronologically, it's the middle of the series. I know it's weird to start in the middle; but anyway this story is weird too, so it fits well.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Invisible Injury<strong>

"Can you say that again, please? I think I must have misheard."

"I need your right eye." she repeats in a calm tone of voice, as if her request is one of the most natural things with which to greet someone you've just encountered.

It turns out that I hadn't misheard.

So here I am, at six o'clock on a Saturday morning, standing in my own house's threshold and facing an unknown girl who is telling me weird things that would probably have scared me if I hadn't already gone through much worse. What a peculiar way to start the day...

"Okay, right, let's make all this clear: I don't know you, and I don't want to. Whoever you are and whatever you want, I won't listen, so please just go away or I'll call the police."

As I slowly begin closing the door so I can return to sleeping in my bed like I was doing before I heard the doorbell, she says something which abruptly stops my motion.

"I came for Kamui."

With that single sentence, she catches all my attention, and seeing that I've stopped closing the door, she peeks her head in and smiles at me.

"Sumeragi, isn't it? You're the Sumeragi Subaru of this world."

I just nod. That is my name, indeed, though I'm quite confused about the last part. What does she mean by _of this world_?

"Can we talk about all this in your house, or do you plan on having this conversation here so I will eventually catch a cold? November is not exactly the hottest month of the year, you know, even though it isn't snowing yet."

I look at her clothing: a red summer dress under a bright purple silk cape which also covers her hair, short leather boots, and a brown bag hung across her shoulder. I'm sure it won't be my fault if she catches a cold.

"You know, I'm not very patient," she declares, hinting that she may leave if I don't make a decision soon.

I shouldn't let her in. After all, I don't know her, and she has strange behaviour. She may be dangerous. But something about this girl reminds me of Kamui, and because of that, she seems familiar to me.

While I push myself to the side to give her room, she enters and looks around curiously as I close the front door and lead her to the living room. She sits on the couch, and I go to the kitchen to prepare something for us to drink.

"Would you like a coffee?" I ask.

"Yes, please," comes the answer from the other side of the wall. "With a lot of milk and sugar, if it is not too much to ask."

...Actually, it is, but I am a polite person so I didn't say it.

When I come back with two cups of hot coffee, a black one and another one with a lot of milk and sugar as I was asked, she is no longer sitting on the couch. Instead, she's in front of one of the cupboards and looks at the photos placed on it. I put the two cups on the coffee table and she turns around when she hears me.

"Who are they?" she points to the photos.

"My wife and my daughter." I reply shortly.

"What?!" she looks scandalized. "You're married? How can you do that? You are so cruel; Kamui will cry!"

"He's dead."

Nine years have passed, but I still remember very clearly.

"That's not the point. He'll be sad anyway." she mumbles and stretches her arm out to take her coffee.

We drink in silence. It's a bit awkward. I look at her, trying to guess why is she here. She has kept her cape on, and her eyes are closed. Now that I think about it, I've never seen the color of her eyes. Not that I really care about it, but ever since I first saw her, she's been smiling and her eyes are always closed. It gives me the feeling that she is hiding something; it's harder to tell if someone is honest when you can't see their eyes.

"So, who are you, exactly, and what are you doing here?"

Silence. It seems that hours have passed when she suddenly begins to giggle.

"What is it?" I ask, not finding it funny at all.

"You know, I've just noticed that there are no stairs in your new house." She smiles.

Anyone else would probably find that nonsense and think that she's mad or something. But then, I realize that her smile is fake. She doesn't find it funny. And so I knew she was being facetious.

I freeze. How much does she know about us? Was it really a good idea to let her in? She said that she came for Kamui, but did he know her before, or is it a one-sided knowledge? I don't even know her name, but either way, I'm sure that my little brother has never mentioned her.

So I stay there, waiting for her to continue. But never, ever, ever I would have guessed what she says next.

"You've killed him."

It was a statement, as if she is not seeking acknowledgment from me but simply saying the truth.

Actually, she is. I stare at her, completely stunned.

"Don't look at me like that. You know very well what I'm talking about."

How...? How is this possible? It should have been only the two of us when I did that. I was sure only Kamui and I had known the truth about his _suicide_. How can this be?

I am afraid. Afraid of what she'll tell me, afraid that it may be true, afraid that a complete stranger can see through my secrets so that they aren't secrets anymore.

Slowly, I step back without looking at her. I have a feeling that she can see everything, even if her eyes have been closed from the very beginning. And more than that, what's the most appalling is that she is neither angry nor disgusted. No fear, no hatred, no screaming, no tears...nothing. She isn't even accusing me. She just looks sad; not because of what I've done, but because what I've done was the best thing I was able to give him. It's seems to me that she understands...and that is frightening.

But she reaches out before I can flee and very gently touches my cheek. I'm bewildered. I thought she would slap me, but instead she just tries to calm me down. Why? I mean, it's useless, I am perfectly calm...

...isn't it?

She approaches a bit more and then, she takes me in her arms.

"Don't try to be guilty," she murmurs. "It's pointless, because you are not. I don't blame you, and I am sure Kamui doesn't either."

And with that, everything in my memory about Kamui rushes through my mind.

Unable to take that pressure any longer, I collapse on the ground and start to cry, my head resting on her shoulder as tears roll down my face in silence. And I cry, I cry like I should have done at my younger brother's funeral many years ago but hadn't because I was still part of the organization.

Since I've escaped, I've cried a lot, but today is different. I believe that this time, wherever he is now, he will hear me.

_I'm sorry, Kamui. I haven't kept my promise_.

Then, she whispers something so quietly I almost miss it.

"He'll forgive you."

I look at her with disbelief. Does she read people's minds?

"You know," she continues, "if you had moved on, you would probably have forgotten. Memories are very random things which need to be watched over if you don't want to lose them. You can't find happiness while stuck in sorrow, and Kamui wants you to be happy. But if you forget him, he will be very, very sad."

She keeps smiling when she tells me that, and she sounds so sure; so confident. I want to believe what she said, but there is something out of place...

"Who are you? You always say _he will be sad_. Why do you talk as if he is still alive?"

Without answering my question, she lets go of me and moves back a bit. Then, still smiling, she slowly takes off her cape. Right after that, something white-colored slips out of the cloth.

Her hair.

Short locks of pure white hair- not the dull and dry white of an elderly woman; hers is bright and fits quite impressively with her young features. It's unearthly, because from her appearance, she just looks around twenty-five or so. What's more, her hair seems to glow even though there isn't a single ray of sunshine.

As if it isn't amazing enough, she opens her eyes. They are blue, clear like water, but that's not what makes my own eyes widen.

"Wings..."

She has wings. The moment she opened her eyes, wings grew from her chest and flew behind to her back. Her wings aren't like Kamui's which were feathery and black before I cut them off. Hers are translucent and similar to butterfly wings, except that the patterns on the wings make them look like shattered glass.

"Close your mouth; you look stupid. Why are you so surprised, anyway? Kamui, too, had wings, didn't he?"

She said _had_, so she knows that as well. This is going to be the third time, but I don't mind. I need an answer.

"Who are you?"

She looks into my eyes, and very solemnly declares :

"My name is is Shiro Hoe. I am a dimension traveler, and _I_ can bring back your _beloved little brother_."

๑۩๑۩۞۩๑۩๑

"...What do you mean?"

"Exactly what I said. Wasn't I clear enough?"

"But it's impossible; he's dead."

"There is something called _resurrection_ you know."

He doesn't seems to believe me. Nah, it doesn't matter.

"It's just a legend. If there is such a thing as resurrection, why has no one ever used it?"

"Very simply because they are incapable of bearing the consequences."

"Then are you capable of bearing them?"

"Why do you think I've proposed this to you? Of course I am..." ...not.

But when you have already done so many wrongs and prohibitions that you have earned many thousands of years of future repentance, one or two hundred years more is nearly nothing.

And let's not forget that I am doing this for Kamui.

"So the price I shall pay you must be very high, too, isn't it?"

"I already told you the price: your right eye."

"How can something as precious as life be exchanged for an eye? It doesn't cost enough. I can hardly believe you."

"Please do not misapprehend; I am not a merchant. I'm not trying to win anything from you. I don't even want to make the deal equal, because otherwise, as you said, you'll have to pay a lot more than an eye. I only do this for Kamui. Everything I do is for _Kamui_; it doesn't matter which one."

"...Who are you for Kamui? Why do you do all this for him?"

"Hadn't I told you yet? I am Kamui's mother."

Silence. He stares at me in utter disbelief.

"Or sister. It's quite the same." I add.

"It's impossible. I know Kamui's mother. There must be something wrong."

"No, there isn't. Only, I am not your Kamui's mother."

"What are you talking about?" he's puzzled.

Huh, this may be a lot more difficult than I first thought.

"I told you that I am a dimension traveler, didn't I?" I begin to explain. "In the Universe, there are many worlds. Some are similar, others different. In some worlds, there exist the same people, in different forms but sharing the same soul. Sometimes their names change, but you can recognize them because the same people all have the same Name. In the world where I come from, I have a little brother called Shiro Koumu, but his Name is Kamui, just like yours."

"Do you mean that you are doing this for Sumeragi Shirou Kamui because he has the same Name as Shiro Koumu?" he asks.

I nod. I can see that he is still confused.

"All right," he sighs, "can you give me some time to think about it? Everything goes so fast, I am a bit lost."

"Sure. Just give me an answer before the moonrise." I reply.

๑۩๑۩۞۩๑۩๑

"Hey, look over there! It's pretty! I like it; buy me that one!" she requests happily.

I look in the direction she is pointing. There is an accessories shop two blocks away from us, and from what I can see, many articles are displayed in the front window. Handbags, gloves, bonnets...I am not very interested, since it obviously is a shop for women.

Smiling, she turns back to me, and, taking me by the arm, draws me toward the store.

"Why do you need to buy everything you find pretty?" I sigh.

"You just answered yourself." she answers, as if it wasn't evident, and takes a green scarf with gold sequins on one of the shelves to try it on herself.

Because you find it pretty, yes, I know. But I mean...

...Why is it that, instead of seriously thinking about her proposition, I end up taking her shopping?

_"By the way, where are your wife and your daughter?" she asks curiously. "I didn't see them."_

_She's sitting in front of my desk, looking at a picture frame placed on it. This is the only photo of Kamui I have been able to save. In the picture, you can see me sitting on the edge of the bed, near the window. Kamui is on my lap, his head rested on my shoulder, and I have my arms wrapped around him. He is playing with a string on my shirt. You can see his earring shining through his dark, messy hair._

_"My wife is at work, and my daughter is staying at her friend's home for a sleepover."_

_"So you are free all day?" She looks up from the photo._

_There is a hint of malice in her voice._

_"Hnm...Yes. Why?" I reply hesitantly. _

_Perhaps I should have lied, because I clearly have the feeling that her answer won't please me._

_And I am right._

_"Because I need some new clothes. And since you are free, you will go shopping with me."_

_"Eeh? But..." I shut up. She is smiling at me in a very, very weird way._

"Thank you. I think I have bought enough now." My wallet thinks the same.

I look at the bags of shopping on the floor next to her seat. Blue, white, yellow, orange, I can count at least a dozen. And it is only the bags. This is why I hate going out shopping with women.

We are sitting in front of each other on a table for two in a cafe. She dragged me here after being fed up with running through the shops.

"Now that you've finished, can you give me further details about your deal?" We shouldn't forget why we are here.

She puts down her vanilla smoothie.

"What do you want to know, exactly?"

"Is my right eye really the only thing I have to give?" I ask after few seconds. It's the first question I came up with.

"No." she replies, taking me by surprise, then continues before I can make any comment. "There are three different points : The prices, what you give me; the consequences, what you give away; and the conditions, what you follow."

"So what about the consequences?" I'm not very sure of where all this will lead us.

"Life is like a candle." she starts quietly. "When you are alive, the candle is lit up and slowly consumed. When you die, a storm passes by and blows out the fire. Since Kamui is dead, his candle has already disappeared. So even if I resuscitate him, he cannot stay alive. And here's when you will play a huge role in this event."

I think already I know what role I'll play.

"You will have to give him the other end of your candle," she bites into a piece of cheesecake and takes a sip of smoothie before continuing. "Which means that as long as he breaths, your lifespan will shrink twice as fast as it should."

"So I will have to give him half of my lifespan?" I take a look at the stack of empty dishes on the table in front of her. The bill will be quite long, I silently sigh.

"Not at all. If you give him half of your lifespan, it means that you cut the candle in two, so even if you die, he won't be affected. But here this is not the case, because I am not capable of doing something so complicated."

I am beginning to understand better.

"Then, what you will do will make our lives connected. So if one of us comes to die, the other one will also die?" If I'm right, it may be dangerous for both Kamui and me.

I start to feel uneasy; perhaps it isn't as nice as it sounds...

"No, because he cannot die before you." she replies. "Since the candle is yours, only your death can blow out the fire. But be careful, because this also means that _whatever happens to him_, he won't die. So you will have to look after him closely."

I would have done that anyway, because he is my Special Person.

"What are the conditions?" I finally ask the third point.

"There is only one condition : never, ever let anyone besides you hear Kamui's voice. Do whatever you want to prevent it from happening, because otherwise you'll lose him." She seems deadly serious. The atmosphere around us is becoming more and more tense.

"...I won't let it happen." Of course I won't. "But simply out of curiosity, you said that he cannot die before me. What will he become?"

"He won't die..." she opens her eyes and stares at the cheesecake. "He'll disappear."

Oh. Now I really am sure that I will do _anything_ to prevent it.

๑۩๑۩۞۩๑۩๑

The moon will be here very soon...

I look at the person next to me. She seems bored.

At the end of the day, I have agreed at her deal. She asked me to bring her somewhere where she can see the moonrise, so I drove her to a field not too far from the town. It's near eleven p.m., and we are sitting on a log of wood in the middle of a glade, waiting for the moon to appear. I took a lantern, but its light can barely break through the darkness that surrounds us. The night is cold; a chilly breeze makes me shiver, and the sounds of insects can be heard.

"Can I ask you a question?" I say, breaking the silence that had set in since we arrived.

"It is exactly what you've just done, but you can ask me a second one if you want." She smiles without looking at me.

"Why do you travel through dimensions?"

Silence.

"...I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. It was pure curiosity. You don't need to answer if-"

"It's okay," she cuts in. "I was just lost in my thoughts..."

She sighs, opening her eyes to look at the stars above us.

"Why do I travel...Huh." she murmurs to herself.

I have the feeling that she isn't looking at the stars at all.

"Are you searching for something?"

"Hnm...Not exactly. I'm searching for someone...for the sake of someone else." Her voice is distant, as if she's not really here.

"Ka-" I stop and correct, "Shiro Koumu?"

"Yeah," she replies, "everything I do is for him."

Why does she sound so lonely when she says this?

We stay silent for a few more minutes, then she tears her eyes away from the sky she wasn't truly seeing anyway, and looks at me. Softly, she begins to speak.

"I am going to tell you, but only because the moon isn't here yet."

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><p>AN: Here we are! This is the end of the first chapter. With all the school stuff, the next update will be in a while. Please tell me what you thought of it. Was it annoying? Was it incomprehensible? Was it awful? Is there anything I can improve? A single little tiny review please? Thank you for reading this; I hope you enjoyed it.

Oh, in case you didn't get it, a name is a name given by parents, while a Name is the name of your soul. Since different Kamuis share the same soul, they also have the same Name if not the same name. Is it better now?

See you (perhaps) at the next chapter, chu!


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